Reparenting is giving yourself what you didn’t get as a child. The truth is, all of our growth happens when we’re children and that’s where even our subconscious is given time to grow. But if you grew up with what we call unconscious parents who aren’t really present then reparenting is a great way to process all that emotion and make sure you don’t make the same mistakes when it comes to your own kids.
There are so many different forms of reparenting therapy that can help you out with some of the problems you face. Self reparenting is all about you and healing so remember you’re not being selfish, you’re improving yourself and that’s what’s important.
What is Reparenting?
Reparenting your inner child is all about understanding where the needs of your childhood weren’t fully satisfied and meeting them. Reparenting therapy is usually done with a therapist but you can do it alone with the help of a few of our tips.
Most kids learn a lot of their little quirks and habits from their parents as well as important skills like relationships and communication. So, reparenting is a great way of putting yourself in the place of your parents so that you can change your behavior and ideas.
But where did it all start?
All of this started with an idea called transactional analysis which helps you to change your behaviors to live a much healthier life. There’s no doubt, this process isn’t simple but it’s certainly worth it once you’ve gone through with it. Not only will this help you live a much better life but it will also help your kids because they won’t have to go through what you did.
There are four different levels to reparenting, so what are they?
This idea was brought into play by Muriel James and it’s all about finding the positives in the parent ego state that were there already. This encourages the person to make themselves the parent instead of a therapist and it’s normally the most common approach to reparenting. Self reparenting is far more ethical than a lot of the other reparenting levels which is why it’s so popular.
Time Limited Regression
Thomas Wilson brought this idea into the world of reparenting and it brings quite a lot of structure to reparenting therapy. The therapy sessions will still focus on caring for the client but it’s much more effective than the total regression reparenting that came before it. Usually, this type of treatment is used for clients with more serious issues like complex post traumatic stress disorder and schizophrenia. You’ll still live on your own with time limited regression but you and your therapist will have two hour sessions where they can still support you.
Russell Osnes was the father of this idea and it’s all about targeting those specific points that caused pain during childhood and those wounds that may not have healed. This is much easier than trying to rewrite what’s already happened in the past. Spot reparenting also won’t take up a whole lot of time because it only focuses on certain parts of your childhood.
We’ve mentioned total regression briefly already but it was developed in the 60s by Jaqui Lee Schiff. At the start, the client would actually live with their therapist as some sort of child, and the therapist would play the parent role and meet the needs of their neglected childhood. This type of reparenting is not used in the United States anymore because of the ethical issues associated with them.
Benefits of reparenting
Reparenting can be very helpful and has a great deal of benefits. How can it help in your life?
- Building healthier relationships – Having that strong bond with your parents when you’re a kid is actually more important than you may think. In fact, they help us build those relationships in adulthood and that could be with friends, family, or potential love interests. If you’re able to target how you feel subconsciously about relationships through reparenting, you’ll be able to build those healthier relationships a lot easier.
- Building confidence – Reparenting will help you build a lot more confidence as you’re starting to make those decisions for yourself and as a result, you’re trusting yourself a lot more. Yes, this is tough but stick with your choices and you’ll definitely start feeling a lot more confident in yourself.
- Be a better parent – Yes, it’s true. If you’ve got little ones of your own then reparenting can actually help you parent them better. You’ll be able to tell where your own parents went wrong and so you’ll be able to avoid those things by recognizing them. No, there’s no handbook to parenting and nobody can tell you right or wrong but knowing how you feel will allow you to connect with your kids much better.
- Make healthier boundaries – One of the things we learn from our parents are boundaries which includes setting them and where you need them. If you never had those boundaries then now is the time to set them and by setting them you’ll feel a lot more confident. When setting boundaries, remember to stick to what you think and stand strong in what you want – don’t cave.
How to Reparent Yourself?
Remember – reparenting is not an easy task and you’ll need a great deal of effort and commitment to get it right and that’s okay. A lot of this process is about understanding yourself and your subconscious and your habits so here are a few tips that we’ve put together to help you when you’re learning to parent yourself.
- Respect your feelings – Being able to respect your feelings is a really hard aspect of reparenting because you have to realize that your feelings are important and they are valid. All your emotions are a really important part of life and they’ll always be there in your life. So, respect them and try to respond to them in a way that proves this.
- Patience is key – Yes this means being patient with yourself, you’re allowed to give yourself time to adjust and to admit your emotions. It’s also worth remembering that you’re trying to connect to your subconscious here because that’s where a lot of understanding is found. You also want to remember that it took years to make patterns as a child so it’s going to take a while to go back, unlearn it and then teach it all to yourself again.
- Let go of any blame or grudges – After going through something tough it’s so easy to blame your parents for it all and to hold onto it for a while but unfortunately, you’re not going to heal like this. After examining the way your parents brought you up, you can then decide if you want to keep a relationship with them or cut them off completely.
- Stay consistent – Parents are a key part of our life and so consistency is key when it comes to parenting yourself. It’ll take a good second for you to identify what went wrong and so if you fall back into an old habit, that’s okay. Pick yourself back up and go – you’ve got this.
- Self discipline – This is something you may need to embrace and work on and it’s an important way to establish a routine and to reparent yourself. If your parents didn’t give you that structure and the idea of boundaries in your relationships then you may not have developed as much as others emotionally. You’re allowed to say no to other people, not everything is perfect and these are all okay. You’ll also learn to hold yourself accountable and discipline yourself during this process.
Reparenting your inner child can be a difficult process but with our tips, you can help heal yourself and rebuild healthier relationships with the people around you. It’s going to be hard and there’s no other way to put it but with commitment, patience, and self discipline you can definitely do it – we believe in you.