The worst things to say to teens are those words or phrases which can have a negative effect on their emotional well-being. Changing both physically and mentally, the teen years are a sensitive time, and parents should be aware of the power of their words. One careless comment can make a teen feel personally attacked and lead to feelings of inadequacy or even anger. It is important to understand the most harmful statements and choose your words carefully to create a supportive environment and promote positive communication for your teen.
1. Phrases that Criticize Their Appearance
The teenage years are awkward ones, and the last thing a teen needs is their parents, someone who should be a safe adult, criticizing how they look. Not only will these comments hurt their self-esteem, but they could lead to self-destructive behaviors such as anorexia or bulimia.
- “You look nice.”
- “You’re wearing THAT?”
- “I like your hair like that.”
- “You look so grown up!”
- “Please do something with your hair.”
2. Comparing Them to Others
Comparing your teen to their peers, their siblings, or even yourself can have a damaging effect on their developing self-esteem. Comments that place your teen in contrast to someone else can leave them feeling like they will never be good enough and can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and depression.
- “When I was your age…”
- “You should try to be more like ______.”
- “Your brother/sister never had these issues.”
- “I wish you were more like me.”
- “I did that as a kid, too.”
3. Dismissing Their Feelings
Being a teenager is an emotional time, especially with the new hormones coursing through their bodies, and a parent dismissing their feelings can make matters worse for the teen. Not acknowledging their emotions may make a teen feel like they are unimportant and don’t matter, and that they can’t confide in you—all of which is dangerous to a teen’s mental health.
- “Are you in a bad mood?”
- “You’ll understand someday.”
- “Smile, it’s not that bad.”
- “Always so dramatic.”
- “I know what you mean.”
4. “Because I Said So”
The phrase “Because I said so” is by far one of the worst things to say to teens because, not only does it not explain your reasoning, but it also invalidates your teen’s feelings. Teens need to learn to embrace their independence and master critical thinking, two things they can’t do if you won’t explain your reasoning. The similar saying “We’ll talk about it later” can cause the same damage as “Because I said so.”
5. Threatening Punishments
Teens already see their parents as the enemy, and the last thing you want to do is exasperate this with threatening punishments. Additionally, your teen may be so afraid of a certain punishment that they won’t come to you when they really need help.
- “You’re going to be in so much trouble.”
- “You’re going to be grounded for the whole summer.”
- “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t do that.”
6. Prying into Their Personal Lives
The teenage years are a period of growth where your teen is learning to develop their own lives. During this time, they will likely have some secrets and parts of their life they don’t want to share with you. As much as you may want to pry, prying into their personal lives can breach their trust and cause them to feel like they can’t go to you with serious issues.
- “Can I go with you?”
- “What’s wrong?”
- “Why are you doing that?”
- “Can I read your journal?”
- “I need to follow you on social media.”
7. Comments About Their Friends
Friends are very important during the teenage years, and your teen is no exception. While you may want to be a part of their life, commenting either positively or negatively about their friends can break the trust between you and even cause your teen to see you as the enemy.
- “Who’s that?”
- “Why are you friends with them?”
- “I don’t know what you see in them.”
- “Aren’t you going to introduce me?”
- “I don’t think you should be friends with them.”
8. Negative Predictions About Their Future
The teenage years are rough, and if you make negative predictions about your teen’s future, you’ll just discourage them. Plus, putting down your teen’s future could lead to dangerous emotions like anxiety and depression, which could last for far longer than the teen years.
- “You’ll never amount to anything.”
- “You’ll never get a good job with that.”
- “Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?”
- “You are ruining your future.”
- “I can’t believe a kid of mine is going to ______.”
9. Imposing Unrealistic Expectations
All parents have expectations for their children, but it’s critical to remember that all kids are different. Imposing unrealistic expectations on your teens can be like a battering ram to their delicate self-esteem, causing them to feel negative emotions when they can’t meet the high bar you set for them.
- “I know you’ll win; you’re the best.”
- “You could be president someday!”
- “There’s no way you won’t make it!”
- “________ is going to be the smartest in their class.”
10. Making Fun of Their Interests or Hobbies
Part of the teenage years is a period of self-discovery where your teen finds the hobbies and activities that interest them. If their parents later criticize these hobbies or interests, the teen could feel personally attacked and like they don’t fit in with society. These comments can even follow the teen into their adult years, causing feelings of shame and anxiety for decades to come.
- “No child of mine is going to become a _________.”
- “_________ is stupid.”
- “I don’t get the point of ___________.”
- “Why do you do that?”
- “Seems like a waste of time to me.”
11. Belittling Their Problems
Teens will come across several issues during their school years, some of which are serious and some of which are not. Regardless of the problem your teen brings your way, don’t belittle them. Minimizing your teen’s problems can make them feel unsupported and afraid to come to you with issues in the future.
- “It’s no big deal.”
- “You’ll get over it.”
- “Someday, you’ll look back on this and laugh.”
- “You’re always so dramatic.”
- “When I was a kid…”
12. Dismissing Their Achievements
Achievements come in a lot of sizes during the teen years, and while a particular achievement may not seem serious to you, it can mean the world to your teen. Don’t dismiss your teen’s achievements, as doing so can make them feel unimportant or like you don’t care about their life.
- “That’s nothing.”
- “It doesn’t matter in the long run.”
- “Whatever.”
- “When I was your age…”
- “It’s not even a real award.”
- “Cool.”
13. Invalidating Their Independence
Teenagers are just developing and exploring their independence for the first time. As a parent, when you make comments invalidating their autonomy, your teen can feel as if they are restrained or “babied,” two things that may cause them to rebel further in an attempt to show their independence. Your teen isn’t a child anymore, and anything you say to them that you would normally say to a younger child will cause them to feel their independence is invalidated.
- “Brushed your teeth yet?”
- “Be home early.”
- “Where are you going?”
- “Where were you?”
- “You’re not going anywhere until your room is cleaned.”
- “Got any homework?”